LESSONS I LEARNED FROM ANOREXIA

If you don't care for my posts about what I've gone through. You don't have to read them. However, this blog is about my life, and all the things that happen in it. So, please remember that when you are reading these! This isn't something that I'm ever going to sugar coat or make seem better than what it is. Anorexia is a horrible, horrible illness. The men and women who have it aren't dumb, they aren't attention whores, and they aren't really them.

Before I get in to what I've learned from having this illness first hand, I'm going to briefly explain that. You aren't you when you have anorexia. There's glimpses of you, small short episodes where you are yourself. The other 98% of the time, you are her. You're her puppet, her doll. A lot of people on youtube and on blogs call anorexia "Anna." I've never really understood this until now. Because I remember looking through thinspo blogs and accounts, and seeing the caption or a post like "I have to listen to Anna, do what she says.." A long time ago I was just like, "You are crazy.." 

Now I know they weren't crazy, and I'm not crazy either. When you have a mental illness, its hard for other people to understand exactly what you feel like. Im not sure if anyone will ever understand it either in my case...so for the rest of this post, when I refer to Anna, I'm referring to the side of me that had control. 

When I graduated high school, I wanted to be healthier. When I was in college full time for the fall semester, I wanted to be healthier. I got healthier. When I was on the cruise, I wanted to be skinny. When I got back from the cruise, I started getting skinny. When I moved out, I had full control. Nobody to watch me eat, nobody to make me eat. When I moved out, she moved in. A lot of people think that moving out was a bad idea, and maybe in this aspect it was. A lot of people also think that Shayne should've paid more attention, or saw what was happening. 

She convinced every single person I love, and care about that I was okay. I wasn't. Anna did whatever she could to get people off her case. "My height just means I have to watch my eating more", "Girls are my height and 95 pounds and still healthy", "My goal is only 115.", "Im not loosing anymore!"

LIES. Anna is the biggest liar I've ever met. I've dealt with some liars, some people who totally go behind your back and stab you, hard. Anna is the worst. The first statement might've been true, when you are shorter, you have to pay attention. Girls that are 5'3 and 95 pounds might be fine, but they probably were just naturally skinny. My goal was NOT 115. My goal was 85. Do you know what 85 pounds looks like on someone my height? It looks like death. I looked like death. I wasn't even far from it. I was on deaths door, knocking. 

When I'd go out to eat sometimes Kennedy would come back, she'd eat a normal amount of food. But it wasn't very long until Anna came. 

"You have to get rid of it."

"I didn't even have that much!"

"It doesn't matter, you're already FAT, its just going to make you FATTER."

"But, I'm tired, I'm tired of doing it.."

"You're such a piece of shit, you will NEVER be anything. You'll never be pretty. You'll never be thin."

I'd get home, go to the bathroom, and puke. I'd puke it all up, and then, I'd take laxatives. A lot of them. A dose is 3, I'd take 6. My stomach was completely caved in. My ribs were all showing, my spine was showing, collar bones, hipbones, wrist bones, my fingers were skeleton-like. I was tired, I had to drink at least four cups of coffee every single day to keep myself up. I was always shaking, I was so weak. So so weak, I almost passed out coming up our apartment steps. Theres only ten. I only ate 100 calories a day. My mouth was always dry, my lips were always chapped, my stomach didn't even growl anymore. My heart skipped beats and everything was coming back up because my stomach forgot how to digest things. I hadn't gotten my period in two months. My body was passed starvation mode, it was fading away. My mind wasn't right, I couldn't focus on anything, couldn't think...she was too busy thinking. Thinking about skipping meals, purging, laxatives, sleeping, stressing, depressed, distant...but then it was over.

I had fasted for two days straight, took laxatives the previous days that I ate, and was close to hospitalization. I got a call on my way home from the community college that I attended. I don't remember exactly how the call went, but I remember Shayne sounding so scared. I called Lorian, and told her about it. I was crying, because I was Kennedy again. 

When I got home that night, Shayne hugged me, and we cried. The only thing I remember saying was; "I just lost control." And I did. Because Anna had all the control in my for those few months. People tried to tell me they tried. But it wasn't me listening, it was her. I was dying, that was my reality. 

Now that you might understand her and I now, I'm going to talk about what I've learned.

The first thing I have learned is that not everyone is going to understand. You can try your hardest to make them get it. They won't. You can compare it to anything, try to make them see but they just won't get it. Compare it to multiple personality disorder, they won't understand. Its just like that though, just way more dangerous.

Secondly, not even doctors are going to get it. I've been seeing three different specialists for about three months now and what they've taught me is this; they went to school to become what they are, make big bucks, and sit there and do nothing. Sure, they weigh you, check vitals, talk with you about eating, talk about different things. But they never talk about how I felt during those times. And I feel like those are things that are important too. Apparently not. I don't like going anymore because I can tell that to them I'm their paycheck. I'm not anything special, I'm a statistic. A statistic they are going to monitor and "treat" for an illness they've never gone through or understood. I literally hate going.

I've also learned that not everyone is going to be nice. Not everyone is going to support you, because they probably just don't get it. I've had several people make comments and they are nothing but negative. Maybe they don't know they are making them, but they do.

Another thing I've learned is that recovery is not easy. There are several things that go into it and that make it hard. Anna doesn't want to loose her grip on you, she wants to keep going. But you have to force her out, you have to block her out and try everything you can to make her shut up, and stay out. If you don't she is going to win. She is going to starve and kill.

I've also learned that some of your closest friends, get even closer. Lorian, you have been the most supportive person ever. Shayne and you are so loving and caring. You've always made sure that I was going to be okay. I owe you everything. The night we smashed my scale was the best thing ever, I never thought that I would go through this...but with you its getting easier. You literally saved my life. I love you and I don't know how I could ever repay you for what you have given me.

I've learned that eating disorders are just as important as any other illness. Nobody should be made fun of for their illness, no matter how ridiculous it may sound to someone else. You wouldn't tell a person with depression to be happy, so you shouldn't tell someone with anorexia to just eat.

I didn't let her win, I'm never going to let her win. Anorexia, Anna, you can kiss my ASS!