WHAT MY PETS HAVE TAUGHT ME ABOUT LOVE

Today I thought it would be a great idea to share with everyone what my animals have taught me about love. Throughout my life I've had several animals. I've had cats, dogs, fish, rodents, and I've had many of them too. I remember some of them but I don't remember most. Mainly though, as always, my lessons of love have came from Beau. I often find myself explaining to someone why I talk or post so much about Beau and not about my other two pets that I live with. I love all three of my animals unconditionally. But, I've never been able to call one mine. And just mine. We've always had family dogs in my houses growing up. That was perfectly fine with me to, we shared them and I was too young to have that kind of responsibility anyway. When I got Beau he was just mine. Shayne and I adopted him together but he spent the bulk of his first two years in my house with me. I loved Tinkerbell, I love Gracie, and I love and adore Lilly. But the love I have for Beau is just different. I love them all equally, but for Beau I have a different kind of love. My love for him is a lot like my Mom's love for Jax was. Or how Shana loves Jazzy. Its our baby. He is literally my child.
Out of 100% honesty, if I would've ended up having a child at 16-17, it would be Beau. I think Beau is literally my child, instead of having a human one I had Beau. I really don't know how to describe it though. Maybe you guys will understand what I'm trying to say! But, without making you wait any longer, here are 16 things Beau and other pets of mine have taught me about love.


1. Love is Patient.

Puppies will be  puppies. There were many, many times that this was my reality when Beau was "Baby Beau". From tearing up everything I had just spent nearly $200 on, and ruining my comforter at 3 am when he exploded from the rear, I was patient. I didn't yell at him, I wasn't mean. I knew that I had to be patient and loving with him. Because, he was literally a baby...they just don't fully understand what they did. Especially when you don't catch them in the act. Trust me, Beau has had his fair share of spankings and he still has to receive them sometimes because he just thinks he can get away with being naughty. 

2. Love is Kind.

Even if you don't like the cat, you have to be nice to it. Shayne learned this one too. Nobody was thrilled about my decision to bring in an extra fur child in to our family...but I had to. We are all practicing being kind to Gracie { we aren't mean to her AT ALL, cats are just different than dogs }. Lilly has a small humping problem with cats, luckily, she is not attracted to Gracie. And Lilly and Beau are very sweet to her actually. That has taught me that sometimes things happen and people are added and sometimes taken away but no matter what you have to be kind. Your love has to be kind. Gracie lost her best friend, and she needs our kindness and love to heal her. I don't care what you say, animals mourn over the deaths of their friends. I've now witnessed this twice.

3. It does not envy.

The constant battle of who gets the most attention, and who gets the most kisses...who gets pet the most...doesn't phase these two at all. Like I said before, Beau is my entire world, and no matter if I'm giving him more attention, or Shayne is giving Lilly more attention...they don't envy each other. Beau wants attention from everyone, all the time. So he is a bit different, but they don't ever get mad or aggressive towards each other when they want to be loved or shown affection. You can't envy someone else's love because all love is different.

4. It does not boast.

Every pet I've ever had came with a guilty conscious...they don't walk around thinking they are the best or the coolest dog on the block. They do something bad, tuck their tails, lower their heads and pee themselves. Every dog I've ever owned has never walked with a sense of entitlement. I do think my rescued ones are the furthest from walking with entitlement, but even our purebred dogs don't act that way.

5. It is not proud

Much like the last lesson, they aren't really proud of anything either. Sure, they get super excited when you get happy because they did something correctly, but they don't really know that. They aren't proud of themselves at all. 

6. It does not dishonor.

 

No matter what silly things I've done, and no matter what I've made them go through for a cute picture...they ever bring a sense of shame or dishonor to me. They may not like being dressed up like bumble bees, lambs, babies, or getting their nails painted. But, they never make me feel bad for it either.

7. It is not self-seeking

I think animals are the most selfless creatures on the planet. They strive to make you happy and to make you know they love you more than they love themselves. They love us no matter what we do.. They don't seek out accomplishments for themselves, and they don't do things to better themselves...Animals have taught me that you have to seek success and happiness as a team. If you don't do it together, you'll never get it done. 

8.  It is not easily angered

"Okay mom, just one more picture..." these last few have been quite similar...My pets { minus Tinkerbell } have never gotten mad at me for anything. They love endlessly, even if you are dressing them up like a triceratops. 

9. It keeps no records of wrongs.

No matter what has happened to them, they want to love. You can be broken, terrified, afraid and alone but you have to still love. No matter what. Love the ones who loved you first. Don't hold grudges, you may never forget something traumatic that happened to you, but you have to forgive and love. I have to work on this every single day. Many people have said things to me that are just so wrong, assuming they know my life and don't trust me as an adult...but I have to let it go, and love them. I'll prove them wrong, and I know it, so there is no sense in holding something over them

{ Not my picture }

10. Love does not delight in evil.

Many people would say, Tinkerbell was pure evil. I think she was just sassy. Sure, sometimes she attacked for no reason and growled at the vet like a demon. But I don't think she was totally evil. tinker bell loved in her own way. She loved Gracie so much, and Gracie loved her...and I totally know that Tink loved my mom. I could tell that she did. Love can't happen where evil lurks, and I know Tinkerbell loved. I've seen some evil things, not many, but some, and there was no love in them. You can't love someone who is evil, because they aren't capable of loving. 

11. Love rejoices with the truth

Maggie, Maggot, or Margaret, has taught me many many things. The truth is, pit bulls are the sweetest animals I've ever met. This gentle giant may accidentally step on your toe, but she'd never do anything to harm anyone. I think she rejoices in the fact that we trust her size, she knows she is huge, and she knows that we love her. Even if she wants to be like Jazzy and sit on the couch like a lap dog. She knows she will take up more space, but she rejoices that we don't allow one dog and not the other to do so. She loves because we trust her...a lot of people give pits a bad reputation...Maggie probably doesn't know that, but the thats the truth. I rejoice though, because Maggie has proven that unrealistic stigma wrong.

12. Love protects.

This one here, my little tater tot, Jazzy, has proven to me countless times that no matter how small and chubby you are you can be the best guard dog there is. I've never seen a dog run and bark so fast to protect the two little puppies my grandma adopted. A dog somehow found its way into her house and jazzy, not even knowing these two puppies, protected them to the point where her and the other dog were fighting. She hardly knew them and she loved them so much to risk her safety. This dog was a lot bigger than her, and it was just walking around but she was definitely looking out for those puppies. If you have love for something, you protect it at all costs, and love will protect you.

13. Love always trusts.

It had to be hard for Lilly, well, we know it was hard- to go from a huge yard to a small apartment. We know it took a toll on her happiness, but we are working on a lot of things, and she trusts us. I know she does. She knows that we will do the best for her, but we have to figure out what that is. Trust is so important in any relationship, you have to have it or you have nothing. Animals trust us with everything, they can't get their food from the pantry themselves, they can't re-fill their water bowl...she trusts us with all of those things. Sometimes its hard for us to remember  things because we are busy but I promise we try our very very best to make her happy. 

14. Love always hopes. 

When we put Harley down, he was so sick. I've never seen him like that, it came as a huge shock to me. But the hope in his eyes was just killing me. He held on for so long, it took them two shots to get him to finally fall asleep, he was holding on and hoping. Love always hopes for more. 

15. Love always perseveres.

No matter what happens, love gets through anything. The love we have for each other will get us through life. It has for centuries. Love always wins, no matter the situation. We loose people, we get new people, we have to say goodbye and hello, but love will get us through each and every trial of life.

16. Love never fails.

Love is the greatest gift you can give someone. Can't find a Christmas present? Don't have money for the birthday present this year? Love. Just show some simple love, we all have cell phones, call. Text, email, message, pokemon, instagram, twitter, snapchat...its not hard. Plus, it never fails. My animals have taught me that it doesn't matter if they have a whole box full of toys or two toys a piece, they just want love. They don't need bones and treats, they just want love. Love is all you need.

FAVORITE CHILDHOOD MEMORIES

So, today I though it would be fun to share with you all my favorite childhood memories. Some of these don't have pictures and some do, so you'll have to use your imagination and just picture what I'm talking about!

I grew up the youngest girl in one house, and the oldest at the other, so at one house I had to set a good example, and at the other I just kind of got away with anything. These are mainly from my pre-teen and teen years though. I don't have too too many childhood memories. I just don't remember that well. Anyway,

the first thing is that I want to give you all a visual of what I looked like when I was pre-puberty. Ready?

Are you cringing? Cause I am. With the lovely twig visual I just gave you, lets begin.

One of my fondest memories is playing hobos with my younger siblings. Katie, Carson, and sometimes Mackenzie. We were so creative. We could build a fort out of anything and everything. I remember using the tree limbs that Jeromy cut down to put against a tree, and then wrap a sheet around it to make it look like a teepee. We used to find these old dishes and play house out of them. Im not sure why we ever called it hobos because we technically had a house, so thats kind of contradicting itself. Maybe we didn't get the concept. Im not really sure. Some of our "games" were so good though. Like, I seriously think we could've been on TV for how well we got into character. 

We used to have this go-cart. Katie and I would take turns driving it through the neighborhood our bakehouse was at. We would use landmarks for things like the grocery store, mc donalds...for example. If there were two trees in a row, one would be the window where you order, and the other would be where you paid an got your food. We would just play house kind of. We'd drive around for hours and I remember one time we were going WAY too fast on a turn and the go cart ended up in a ditch. 

Katie and I would always tube together, and we were both stick thin back then, still are. So when Jeromy would hit massive waves we would go flying. And we'd get thrown off so easily, we were always so sore the next day. I remember watching that weird movie Nanny Mc.Phee and we were on the tube and overtime we saw a wave coming we would start screaming, "THE ONE YOU NEED IS NANY MCPHEE". Occasionally if one of us was thrown off, you could hear whoever it was flying behind you going "pheeeeeeee". Before they hit the water. 

Something I enjoyed about being the oldest is that I got to be a kid longer. I didn't want to be that boring teenager who didn't really talk or do anything with her younger siblings. So of course I wanted the same amount of stuffed animals they got. I remember this day, we were at a lake resort and the claw machine door happened to be open. So Jeromy, after spending a ton of money trying to win us these things, opened it and just started throwing the stuffed animals at us. It was hilarious. Im pretty sure the yellow thing I'm holding was named Pedro. Also, we wore those masks all the way home.

This really isn't a memory, but I still have the same sized boobs as I do here. Help me.

Something that I think is hilarious that we used to do was be the "bartenders" at our parents new years party. We would of course never partake in the drinking, but we made the drinks for our parents. I don't care, don't judge us, or them. We were cool. We made shirley temples like complete pros. And we'd make ourselves virgin ones and look surprised when we ran out of the cherry flavoring. 

My face. Why. Dress up days at school were always great, but this is horrible. I mean I have on the typical 80s day attire, but why does my face look like that?

Mackenzie has had her birthday party at Chuck E Cheese since she was tiny. Every year this is something Katie and I looked forward too because we would always put our tickets together and split them evenly at the end so that we could get the same things. I remember the purple headed trolls, which, I know I still have mine somewhere.

This was probably the coolest day ever. I think we were at Frontier City to watch Katie at her cheer competition or something. I think she went with her friends or maybe her mom, but we all stayed and came home with this. I actually won that huge rottweiler by myself, I remember how proud I was of that. 

My mom and stepdad re-did the wood floors in our house once. And there were panels leftover. As you can see, we drew on them. But when winter came they were the perfect snowboards. They slid perfectly! Except when they cut into the ground and sent you flying forward. 

I can't say that I necessarily miss this, because we still have an amazing friendship. We are even closer now than we were back then. But my most favorite memory of when we were awkward was when we made that movie of littlest pet shops. I can't remember the full title but it was like "The magical quest for something". We both had these chihuahuas and we named them El Chihuahua Del Junior. Im not sure why. And we used to make fake talk shows on Lorian's karaoke machine. They were supposed to be inspiring  and I remember using stupid voices in them.

So, with my older siblings, like I said. I got to be the baby. I liked it. Being the little sibling is so much fun. One of my favorite memories is going to the lake with everyone. I remember Bryce used to do barrel roles on the tube. Also, one time when we were at the lake, everyone BUT ME, got the 24 hour throw up bug. 

why.

This was at my Nona's house. We would "go to bed" and end up staying up until like 3. Shhh don't tell her. One time Carson and I stayed up watching youtube videos on how to make paper weapons. And we actually made paper crossbows. Another time we found this sombrero. 

This family vacation. It was our first family vacation all together. It was so much fun and even though we were all getting used to each other we all had a blast. Carson, wyd.

Why did someone let me wear this??? I look like a slut. 

I was chosen at school to participate in some pep rally and as you can tell I was thrilled.

I totally miss four wheeler riding. I remember one time Katie went through water and she was the only one who got stuck. It was hilarious. Sorry Katie. 

Our walking dead premiere watch parties. 

Being cute and looking functional is also something I miss. I thought I looked hella dope in this wedding. Carson, wyd. My dad also looks great in this picture by the way.

My first day at my new school. I hated it. I got made fun fall day, and came home crying. 

This family vacation, I think my Grandma Ann was with us as well. We had so much fun together, also, I don't know why I'm wearing long johns int he first picture, gross.

So this went from childhood memories to roasting myself. Oh well, hope you all enjoyed my cringeworthy childhood. 

~K

LESSONS I LEARNED FROM ANOREXIA

If you don't care for my posts about what I've gone through. You don't have to read them. However, this blog is about my life, and all the things that happen in it. So, please remember that when you are reading these! This isn't something that I'm ever going to sugar coat or make seem better than what it is. Anorexia is a horrible, horrible illness. The men and women who have it aren't dumb, they aren't attention whores, and they aren't really them.

Before I get in to what I've learned from having this illness first hand, I'm going to briefly explain that. You aren't you when you have anorexia. There's glimpses of you, small short episodes where you are yourself. The other 98% of the time, you are her. You're her puppet, her doll. A lot of people on youtube and on blogs call anorexia "Anna." I've never really understood this until now. Because I remember looking through thinspo blogs and accounts, and seeing the caption or a post like "I have to listen to Anna, do what she says.." A long time ago I was just like, "You are crazy.." 

Now I know they weren't crazy, and I'm not crazy either. When you have a mental illness, its hard for other people to understand exactly what you feel like. Im not sure if anyone will ever understand it either in my case...so for the rest of this post, when I refer to Anna, I'm referring to the side of me that had control. 

When I graduated high school, I wanted to be healthier. When I was in college full time for the fall semester, I wanted to be healthier. I got healthier. When I was on the cruise, I wanted to be skinny. When I got back from the cruise, I started getting skinny. When I moved out, I had full control. Nobody to watch me eat, nobody to make me eat. When I moved out, she moved in. A lot of people think that moving out was a bad idea, and maybe in this aspect it was. A lot of people also think that Shayne should've paid more attention, or saw what was happening. 

She convinced every single person I love, and care about that I was okay. I wasn't. Anna did whatever she could to get people off her case. "My height just means I have to watch my eating more", "Girls are my height and 95 pounds and still healthy", "My goal is only 115.", "Im not loosing anymore!"

LIES. Anna is the biggest liar I've ever met. I've dealt with some liars, some people who totally go behind your back and stab you, hard. Anna is the worst. The first statement might've been true, when you are shorter, you have to pay attention. Girls that are 5'3 and 95 pounds might be fine, but they probably were just naturally skinny. My goal was NOT 115. My goal was 85. Do you know what 85 pounds looks like on someone my height? It looks like death. I looked like death. I wasn't even far from it. I was on deaths door, knocking. 

When I'd go out to eat sometimes Kennedy would come back, she'd eat a normal amount of food. But it wasn't very long until Anna came. 

"You have to get rid of it."

"I didn't even have that much!"

"It doesn't matter, you're already FAT, its just going to make you FATTER."

"But, I'm tired, I'm tired of doing it.."

"You're such a piece of shit, you will NEVER be anything. You'll never be pretty. You'll never be thin."

I'd get home, go to the bathroom, and puke. I'd puke it all up, and then, I'd take laxatives. A lot of them. A dose is 3, I'd take 6. My stomach was completely caved in. My ribs were all showing, my spine was showing, collar bones, hipbones, wrist bones, my fingers were skeleton-like. I was tired, I had to drink at least four cups of coffee every single day to keep myself up. I was always shaking, I was so weak. So so weak, I almost passed out coming up our apartment steps. Theres only ten. I only ate 100 calories a day. My mouth was always dry, my lips were always chapped, my stomach didn't even growl anymore. My heart skipped beats and everything was coming back up because my stomach forgot how to digest things. I hadn't gotten my period in two months. My body was passed starvation mode, it was fading away. My mind wasn't right, I couldn't focus on anything, couldn't think...she was too busy thinking. Thinking about skipping meals, purging, laxatives, sleeping, stressing, depressed, distant...but then it was over.

I had fasted for two days straight, took laxatives the previous days that I ate, and was close to hospitalization. I got a call on my way home from the community college that I attended. I don't remember exactly how the call went, but I remember Shayne sounding so scared. I called Lorian, and told her about it. I was crying, because I was Kennedy again. 

When I got home that night, Shayne hugged me, and we cried. The only thing I remember saying was; "I just lost control." And I did. Because Anna had all the control in my for those few months. People tried to tell me they tried. But it wasn't me listening, it was her. I was dying, that was my reality. 

Now that you might understand her and I now, I'm going to talk about what I've learned.

The first thing I have learned is that not everyone is going to understand. You can try your hardest to make them get it. They won't. You can compare it to anything, try to make them see but they just won't get it. Compare it to multiple personality disorder, they won't understand. Its just like that though, just way more dangerous.

Secondly, not even doctors are going to get it. I've been seeing three different specialists for about three months now and what they've taught me is this; they went to school to become what they are, make big bucks, and sit there and do nothing. Sure, they weigh you, check vitals, talk with you about eating, talk about different things. But they never talk about how I felt during those times. And I feel like those are things that are important too. Apparently not. I don't like going anymore because I can tell that to them I'm their paycheck. I'm not anything special, I'm a statistic. A statistic they are going to monitor and "treat" for an illness they've never gone through or understood. I literally hate going.

I've also learned that not everyone is going to be nice. Not everyone is going to support you, because they probably just don't get it. I've had several people make comments and they are nothing but negative. Maybe they don't know they are making them, but they do.

Another thing I've learned is that recovery is not easy. There are several things that go into it and that make it hard. Anna doesn't want to loose her grip on you, she wants to keep going. But you have to force her out, you have to block her out and try everything you can to make her shut up, and stay out. If you don't she is going to win. She is going to starve and kill.

I've also learned that some of your closest friends, get even closer. Lorian, you have been the most supportive person ever. Shayne and you are so loving and caring. You've always made sure that I was going to be okay. I owe you everything. The night we smashed my scale was the best thing ever, I never thought that I would go through this...but with you its getting easier. You literally saved my life. I love you and I don't know how I could ever repay you for what you have given me.

I've learned that eating disorders are just as important as any other illness. Nobody should be made fun of for their illness, no matter how ridiculous it may sound to someone else. You wouldn't tell a person with depression to be happy, so you shouldn't tell someone with anorexia to just eat.

I didn't let her win, I'm never going to let her win. Anorexia, Anna, you can kiss my ASS!