IM NOT SORRY ANYMORE

Most of you know that I am open about my eating disorder. Why? Because if I can just touch one person, and just have one person read one of these posts, and make them re-consider their lifestyle I'll be happy. I don't expect to know if I have and I don't need to, but thats mainly what my goal is. Before I get too into this post I also want to make an announcement!
All summer I have been going back and forth between what I've said I was going to do since I was fourteen {ultrasound}, to psychology. I love psychology. I love learning about it, its history, the people that created its foundation. And I have decided that I want to be a counselor. I would absolutely LOVE if I could specify with eating disorders, but I'm open to anything. Like I said, its hard to talk to someone who doesn't have a history with their own body going through a disorder. Me having my own story I think I can really be able to communicate with someone who is in the midst of Anna's grip.
So back to my main focus of this post.

It has come to my attention time and time again that I piss people off. I piss people off with what Im doing with my life, I piss people off because I don't have a real job, I piss people off because Im not using my skills to my full potential. I just piss people off.
But guess what?
What I do, makes me happy. What I do, is between Shayne and I. What I do makes us happy.
We can't make everyone happy. I've learned that no matter if you do something to make 999 people happy there is always going to be ONE person who is pissed off about your decision. No matter what. Its what people do. I get it. But guess what else?
Do you know how EASY it would be, and how many problems could be resolved if instead of letting them stir, you talked about them RIGHT THEN. Right when you got pissed off. Call that person, be like "Hey, you are pissing me off."
Don't be an ass, don't ignore them, don't cut them off.
Be a grown up and TALK.

I mainly pissed people off in April/May. When I first started recovering from anorexia. Before I go one I want you to read this:
http://www.timberlineknolls.com/eating-disorder/anorexia/sign-effects/
I'm going to use small bits of it first in case its too long for you, just the parts that relate to this.
First, Anorexia nervosa symptoms appear in two inter-related patterns:

• Conscious refusal to maintain a body weight that’s healthy for a man or woman’s age and height

• Severely distorted self-image, and obsession with the perception that he or she is overweight, even when severely underweight

Did you read that? A severely distorted self image. I see myself at AT LEAST 10-15 pounds heavier than I am. There is nothing I can do about that. Except accept it. 
What causes anorexia?

• Low self-esteem, which may stem from unresolved experiences of neglect or abuse during childhood

• Obsessive or compulsive personality traits, which make it easier to adhere to strict diets and resist hunger

• Perfectionism, when centered on the body leads to thought distortions such as “I’m never thin enough.”

• Low levels of serotonin, one of the brain chemicals involved in depression

Low self esteem; women, you know this. Every. Single. Woman. Has. Felt. This.Thanks to our amazing society that glorifies unhealthy lifestyles and bodies, us women are especially at risk for having low self esteem.
OCD & Perfectionism; I have been diagnosed with both of these. Its in my DNA. Both of my parents probably have this too. Its just who I am. It makes me even more prone to it.
Serotonin; This is where I can't say it pertains to me. I've only been depressed once in my life. THANK YOU ANATOMY AND PHYSIOLOGY IN JUNIOR YEAR! I can definitely say that anorexia made me depressed, but not that depression caused it. 
This is mainly the big focus, right here:
Effects of anorexia;

• Forced withdrawal from school or college

• Loss of connection to faith or religion

• Career disruption

• Isolation from friends and family
• Suicide

Obviously, like the post says, it also takes a lot of counseling to understand what really caused it for each patient. But, let me break this down.
I screwed up last semester. I wasn't focused. Dropped two classes, nearly failed the other two. Why? Because my brain was focused on something else. I remember asking my parents to meet Shayne and I at church all the time....why? Because I thought something was wrong with me and God. I couldn't connect to Him, and I just felt stupid praying and all this other stuff...so I tried desperately to connect by going to church all the time. Which of course isn't a bad thing and Id love to go every Sunday like we used to, but I remember making it a statement to go. Career disruption...I QUIT MY JOB. Okay??? And guess what?? A lot of other people with ED's quit their jobs!!! I was super sick and needed to heal!! Then I tried to jump right back in to it and I was not ready for that! Isolation? Hell yes! I distanced myself from EVERYONE because what I was doing was gross. Laxatives? Puking? Starving? Thats disgusting. I smelt like death. Like hospital or something. I smelled sick. I felt gross all the time. Suicide is something that I THOUGHT ABOUT back then!

Basically my whole point of this post was to get this across...I KNOW I've made people upset, I KNOW Im not making everyone happy...but, Im trying to make ME happy. Shayne and I happy....that is what matters to me more than anything. Im not trying to use these as excuses, but Im so sick of people not understanding that this disease is to blame for everything! Im sick of people saying that some diseases are more important than mine. 
ANOREXIA IS THE MOST LETHAL MENTAL DISORDER. THATS PRETTY FREAKING IMPORTANT. 
Im not sorry if this post hurts anyones feelings, I'm not. Because I'm not trying to make you happy. Im not asking you to base your decisions off of me and my life, so don't expect me to do that with mine. And if you have a damn problem with something I've done, be a grown up and say something. Stop beating around this bush and ignoring me and start acting like the adult you claim to be and GROW UP.

~K