Good Lord. I just finished a huge essay. Frankly, I'm not up for writing a post so this will be short. I just want to clear a few things up. Don't take offense to this, please.
First of all. I don't think anyone quite realizes just how hard I work. A lot of people look at me and think "Her parents give her everything" or "She doesn't even have work ethic." Honestly, this ifs beyond true. My parents give me what I need so I can be a successful person. They aren't the ones sitting at a computer generating a 1700 word essay and revising it. No, but they provide me with the Ben and Jerry ice cream that gets me through it. No, they don't take my psychology exams that are timed by one minute a question, but they help buy my books so I can study. I do have a job, its just working for my family. Yes, I want nothing more than to experience a "real job". I want to learn about those things but right now I'm trying to juggle my current job, college, and high school. And maintain somewhat of a social life even though mine is a very small one.
The days other students see me in the computer lab on Facebook or Netflix are like "Why does she get to do that?" or "She's not even doing her work." Its cause I've worked my a** off to be able to have a twenty minute breathing break so I don't have a mental breakdown at school. My mental breakdowns are really bad. I had like three last night where I proceeded to say to myself "I should've made C's so nobody would expect me to be a genius", and "I want to live like Larry." o.o
So to answer that, I AM doing my work, I have 4 hours to do it. Its an overload and sometimes I need a break. If you work hard through high school, you can bust you butt like me and be able to have those privileges.
Another thing. If I hear one more person ask the question "How is school going?" Im going to cry. IT SUCKS. There, I said it. It absolutely sucks. I've said countless times "Im dropping out", or " I dint want to do this anymore." I've had so many anxiety attacks and breakdowns I can't count them on one finger. College sucks. High School sucks. Thats how school is going. It just isn't fun anymore. I want to be in a doctor's office or clinic doing what I love. I know I have to do this first and thats why Im still here because Im determined to get through it. Don't be like "You better get an A!" or "You better be doing good!" that just adds even more pressure on top of what I make myself. Im the hardest on myself, nobody else. I self-discipline more than anyone I know when it comes to school. You need to sit down and just let me do my thing.
Its just really annoying to me, I don't know if other people feel that way. But I don't want to talk about school outside of school. Because Its weighing in my mind 24/7/ Obviously its different if I don't see you often and your a relative or something. But if I see you quite often and you ask me every time I get a bit upset. Here is how its going: I try my best. I have my days where I wish I would've had a fun high school experience than a boring good grades and no social life one. I never go to games, or after school activities. I rarely hang out with friends. I do the same crap just different weeks. I have days where I want to drop out and I'm on the "drop class" page. I have my days where I get a lot done and have an okay day. The truth is a lot of my days are stressful and filled with anxiousness. School is always on my mind and the pressure is always building.
This isn't towards anyone, I just need to get this across. It just adds pressure when someone asks. I know you all just care about me and want me to be successful. But trust me, I want that just as much if not more as you. I give myself enough crap for school, and even if you are not intending to upset me, it indirectly does. Sorry for the more serious post, but this is about my life.
~K
